Musicians that Make Me Want to Hurl

Musicians that Make Me Want to Vomit
I was just thinking about bands that should be on the first flight to the sun, and why the Hell they are still around. Sorry, I have tried to listen to these people and they are getting the official Bette Dillinger HEX OF ZE POWER OF GRAYSKULL for being so stupid.

Top Ten:

10) Poison. These little idiots have been around way too long. Brett Michaels, who now looks like a bad tranny with constipation after what appears to be a botched plastic surgery job, has to hang it up. Sorry, dude every rose does have its thorn, and you keep poking it in my side. Goodbye.

9) ANYONE WHO SINGS KAROKE TUNES ON YOUTUBE IN HOPES OF BEING A "STAR". Just a real pet peeve of mine. If you think this makes you "cool" you are off by way more than a mile. You look pathetic. Especially the people who become pseudo-emotional during their presentation, or try to look sexayyyyyyy for the camera. Walk away, and get on the plane.

8) The Rolling Stones. These old asses are not anything like Led Zeppelin, who they are constantly compared to, and they have always been on the bleeding edge. Now they need bandages over their mouths. Welcome to the Sun, guys. Gee...The Beatles put out "Sargeant Pepper's".....then we get "Her Majesty's Satantic Bullshit". Also, how many bluesmen have they ripped off yet they sue The Verve over "Bittersweet Symphony" which was an orchestral version of one of their songs, but not the actual song???? Sir Mick gets a special seat for actually agreeing to being knighted (Mr Bowie, as any self-respecting rock star would, refused this "honor").

7) The Who. Hear me out (har har). This band used to be a force of nature.....during the Civil War era. They have engaged in three deadly credibility killing things: 1) selling every song that meant anything to television shows and products when they had more money than God 2) Roger Daltry having his 500th face life that has left him looking like a dazed lizard (WHY?) 3) they continue to tour even though they have to take breaks for prune juice enemas and depends changes. They bring nothing new to the table. You can rock til' you're 100, (Bob Dylan) but if you just plow through the same crap again, why bother? Awww, I see Roger's face is melting.

6) U2. Once there was this nice band of boys from Dublin. They called themselves U2. Their early records were wonderful. "Boy", "October", and what is their masterpiece "War". Then, Paul Hewson, aka Bozo, er, Bono, decided that he was the new Jesus. This made the band go into some bizarre directions that were fruitless efforts at relevancy. Their latest album was indeed, a bomb. After getting some money with their great initial sucesses, they became sue happy babies who have tried (successfully) to stop parodies of them and I would venture that Bono still can't find his funny bone, when he dropped it in County Mayo in 1988. Mr Hewson, bless his soul, openly squires around women that he is not married to, but with santimonious, tedious lyrics wants to tell you how to behave. LEAVE THE PREACHING TO THE PREACHER, BOZO...Oh, and enjoy the warmth you shall experience shortly.

5) Bob Seger and Ted Nugent. Two Motor City area idiots who don't deserve their own separate listing. Bob Seger: Everything this moron has written except for "Two Plus Two" and "I'm Not A Number" is horrible. He is strapped into the plane just for "Old Time Rock and Roll" playing behind the clip of Tom Cruise in his panties in "Risky Business". I STILL have no idea why that is supposed to be sexy. The room is spinning as I think about it. Heave.
Ah, yes, and Ted Nugent. Two words, Ted: "Damn Yankees". You know, that hideous band where you were playing with that Styx guy with the sweet little pageboy haircut? Oh, and using the "N" word fifty million times in interviews and THEN stating you were going to run for governor of Michigan. AND your radio show, which was benevolently cancelled since you sounded like a male Courtney Love without a stash? What did you do to have the immortal genius of "Cat Scratch Fever" played so many times? We will never know. Bye, Ted.

4) Britney Spears. You don't have to make a comeback (you never had a viable musical career, you were thought of as a sexy time girl, so don't sweat it). Take care of your kids and stay out of the press. You have millions, your auto tuned voice can stay where it is parked. Bye.

3) Boston. The most overtly commercial band that never had anything interesting to say. The vocals are in the perfect place, the geeetar solo always comes in right on cue, the production is slick. Whoa, fell asleep there for a sec, sorry. I think of getting my teeth cleaned in my nice safe dentist's office in her nice safe chair. Safety means the plug on rock madness was killed. Strap in, Boston.

2) Madonna. You know you suck when your private life is covered to the exclusion of your music, and you are sued for millions (and successfully) for taking images and songs without any thought about crediting the rightful authors. I bet that 6.1 Million that Ms Chavez won for "Justify My Love" hurt like the others, eh? How sad it is to see a woman of a certain age realize she will be known for nothing more than ripping off other more intelligent women. She just did it so fast no one stopped to say "Hey, she's not transforming like a chameleon, she is just taking that look from Jean Harlow!" Now, after marrying a man who is allegedly homophobic all her ideas have suddenly left and we see her spread eagle at 50 on the cover of her latest album, "Flacid Fudge Packing". Maybe the gays were positive for you, Madge. Now, go away. It is horrible to see you trying to retain some youth by sucking on Britney Spears or getting your 45th Botox injection. You never really had any music anyway, so I don't know if you should be on this list. I apologize for the idiots who had you inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. It's been a slow year. Better to relax and get another botox injection.

1) KISS. Four words: "Kiss Meets the Phantom Menace". Not convinced? Have you heard their disco album? Still not convinced? The no makeup look, circa "Lick It Up" (clever boys with their feminist messages!)? Damn, you still aren't convinced? Okay, here is the big one: Gene Simmons. Whew. Thanks.
Okay. This band took all the heart, soul, imagination and whimsy from Glam and pissed on it for marketing reasons. They are simple whores with no music to back up the merchandise they constantly schlep (Yes, Virginia, there was a KISS coffin..a little treat awaits Gene on the ride to our life giving star). Their songs are horrible. ("Beth"? Jaysus) Their look is horrible (their drummer, Peter Criss, looked like a cat with rabies). Gene Simmons is possibly the most unattractive male on this very planet, and he has some mighty tight competition on just this list alone.

My first album

Hey, everyone...I have gotten this question in real time and on the web, so I thought I would take some time to answer it...what was the first album I purchased. And yes, we have access to your music on my planet.

Well, that is a tough question. Because I "bought" the album at six years of age.....but I really didn't. I can remember going to the local "Target" type store with my aunt and her three mewing cabbages (or kids, as they are called here) and, in a desperate attempt to get away from the insanity, I went to the music section. There I saw the coolest cover of my young life: "You Want Blood, You Got It", by AC/DC. If you don't know the cover, here it is:

http://www.spiralfrog.com/sfimages/covers/pop/cov200/dri000/i098/i09859e607k.jpg

Now, this is a pretty gruesome image, so I thought it was the greatest thing devised by man. I had to have it. I stuck it in the basket while my aunt was again chiding her three children over something, and patiently waited until we got up to the counter. I made sure it was pushed under the bunch of stuff my aunt was putting on the checkout counter, and, though the checkout person raised an eyebrow at the image, she scanned it and placed it with the rest of our things.
We then proceeded to the parking lot and I assured my aunt, who was horrified after she had unpacked the things she purchased, that my mother would be totally fine with this album. Even though my mother I knew most definitely would not. Still, I had to hear this music, as I thought it would change my life.
What kind of crazy band would be so cool as to have a cover like that and not have the most kick ass rock music in the world?
Well, I managed to get the album home and my mother was horrified to see this guitar impailing Angus Young on the cover (what was her damn problem?) with blood shooting out of his mouth, so she said that this would have to involve a talk between my father, her and me. My father was speechless when he arrived home and saw the cover, and said he would take the album from me 'til I was "old enough".
Well, I never got to be old enough in his eyes apparently, but I found the place he hid it and took it to school for show and tell. That was an exciting day. My teacher said nothing, but advised me not to bring the album back.
But there will always be a part of me that has a great fondness for AC/DC. They made rock and roll scary, and I for the first time saw music's potential to really make an impact in a dramatic kind of way. Sure, one could say the songs aren't great compositions, but I think you would be missing the point. They are great rock songs, with all of the theatrics and rock n' roll glory.
I eventually became a respectable alien and bought a copy of the album as an adult. It reminds me of when rock questioned authority and was overtly rebellious. I want those days back, and I see others on this site that do too.
KICK OUT THE JAMS, people!
xo
Bette